Dear Me, I’m Sorry.

This whole year I’ve been through many things, bad and good. However, these days I’m doing everything that I don’t want to do in the past, it feels like I’m betraying myself. Yes so much for my idealism, so much for security, so much for appreciation and so much for material gains.

Lately, I keep asking how can I let myself get involved in something that I don’t even care? I’ve been victimized so bad lately and I don’t think anyone even appreciate my hard work.

I’m tired mentally and physically, honestly I’m so close to say good bye. But I will keep going ’till the end, because this is my commitment, at least there is an end for this. The light in the end of tunnel is near.

I swear I have enough of this, I don’t want to be a victim anymore, I want to be respected and I want to be free. Life should be more that doing this bullshit, I don’t feel happy at all, I feel empty and burn out. Yes, I admit I’m betraying myself. I keep saying that I can do it, that my persistence will bear fruit but it’s just futile.

I have enough of mean words, I don’t want to deal with certain people anymore. I’m over with this shit. Am I weak? Maybe. But I know I will be stronger after this. Because it takes some courage to say good bye. You lose something but you gain something. Life is too short for this kind of life, and I want to say sorry to myself.

Sorry, for letting yourself down, for letting people underestimate you, for letting people push you around, for not able to stand for yourself. I will be stronger after this. I promise, me.

Faith

Just finished reading Mitch Albom’s newest book Have a Little Faith, even with all the awkward translations (yes, I bought the Indonesian version, since I can’t afford the original, it’s freakin’ expensive) I still can say it’s one of the most inspirational book that I ever read.

In the world of advanced technology and science, human’s civilization is on its peak but let’s remember that in one point there is something that technology can’t provide. That is faith, something to believe in, something that we can hold on when everything goes wrong.

Faith is such a strong word to begin with. First, I will not talk about heavy stuff like God or religion, let’s start with a simple example, like I have faith for a certain person. So how I accomplish this statement?

If I have a faith in someone, I’m willing to trust this person completely, believing that this person will not let me down. This kind of thing is not easy because we know it’s hard to trust someone nowadays, you need guts for that, but in the other side the fact that we are willing to believe in someone shows our human side. That we are fragile, none of us can live alone, we need other people to keep on living.

Faith shows how human is fragile but courageous  in the same time. We are immortal, nothing is certain, even with the most advanced technology we know we can’t avoid death. Hence, it’s natural for us to have the needs to believe in something and for me personally it takes lots of guts to completely believe in something.

Unexpected Encounter

I believe that every meeting has a meaning. Fate, destiny, whatever you call it. But so far I never thought so much about a meeting because people come and go. Yes some people stay, but not many of them. But my meeting with this certain person is certainly memorable, because we have this weird connection with each other.It seems too much for coincidence.

Maybe it’s a fate that I should meet this person this year. Somehow, this person has the same vibe as me, I feel comfortable and calm in our conversation. Moreover, this person is different from any people that I have met, I can’t read his mind at all, I don’t know what is his intention but we have several thing that connecting us.

However I found out that we have fundamental difference in life, therefore I don’t see any future for our relationship except friendship.Still, I think I will remember this meeting for many years to come. Maybe this is what you call fateful meeting.

9 September

The September 9th Personality – The Day of Difficult Demand

Those born on September 9 repeatedly face all kinds of demanding situations, usually more the product of their own complicated nature than of fate. If they could learn to more often take the path of least resistance, and not invariably the most difficult way, they would lead much more peaceful but perhaps less eventful lives. There is no doubt that September 9 people are drawn to challenges. Easily bored, they find it insufferable to just sit back and do the same predictably rewarding (or unrewarding) things year after year. Consequently, they are either consciously or unconsciously on the lookout for complex people, places and things with which to become involved.

It is this emotional complexity that makes September 9 people very attractive to certain members of the opposite sex (who often wind up fathering or mothering them). But though September 9 people may be in need of such a nurturing form of love they remain independent and willful. Once those born on this day have gotten it into their head to do something, it is very difficult to talk them out of it. One of the weaknesses of September 9 people, however, is that they tend to magnify their personal problems and may too readily seek help in the wrong places.

Those born on this day can be very private people, but usually their occupation or main interest brings them into contact with society. They are very adept at sensing and even defining what the public taste is, and how it may be satisfied. Life can be a constant battle for many September 9 people against their fears and insecurities. Strangely enough, such fears can drive them on to be surprisingly successful. This is another reason why challenges have such a powerful stimulating effect on them.  September 9 people must keep a handle on their wilder side, however, which can urge them toward self-destructive behavior not easily understood or condoned by those around them.

STRENGTHS:  Discriminating, Challenge-Oriented, Introspective

WEAKNESSES:  Fearful, Insecure, Needy

Source: The Secret Language of Birthdays by Gary Goldschneider

Web Source: http://fuckyeahvirgos.tumblr.com/page/3

Stronger

As I grow older, I think I feel much secure than before. I have lots of fears and insecurities in the past few years. I didn’t know exactly what I want to do and there were lots of disappointment along with emptiness that I couldn’t fully describe. I kinda lost my path and just did whatever people expect me to do, I seriously hate myself because of that.

Back then, I’m afraid to stand up and tell someone to back off, I was not able to protect someone important and pretended that everything will be okay in the end. Just recently, I realized that even though I don’t have much power, I can do something to change the situation, even it’s just a little bit. I should did this since a long time ago, but unfortunately fear took the best of me.

I feel at peace now, I don’t know if it’s temporary but this is exactly what I feel right now. After getting rid of my fears, I feel so much better, there still bad memories from the past but I think time will heal everything. Sometimes playing nice will just hurt you furthermore, that’s why I’m just going to be more honest now about my feelings.

I also have decided what I want to do for the rest of my life which is writing, I fully understand that I have still have many flaws and limits in my writing, but I will keep writing ’till the end and no one can take this from me.

Money, family, friends, lovers and other material things can be easily taken away, however no one can take your passion away. With passion I value myself more, because I know this is something that I truly like and it’s not for other person. It’s a place for me where I can feel fulfillment as an individual.

Right now, I truly believe that I only have myself to move on. It’s not about superficial achievement, material things, money or relationships. It’s all about what I am in the inside, how I value myself and my choices in life. I believe those are the things that will make me stronger.

The worst people in the world

Do you think it’s funny playing with people’s heart?

When we were on the verge of tears and shaking about death and life matter

Seriously I don’t understand why such low people are exist

Such low morality is unacceptable and disgusting

I hope you burn in hell along with your black heart

Freakin’ life

Goodness I should write more often in this blog before I forget how to write in English. Anyway just want to ramble about life. You know I don’t want to be anyone slave nor I want to be anyone master, yes I am that individual but it’s just the way I am. In the future I will be the master of myself, I will work hard to achieve this goal.

I’m sick of people telling me what to do and judging me for my failures, I will fail many times but I will stand up again. People can laugh and sneer at me, but in the end I will the one who smile, just wait.

And we shouldn’t be afraid to do what we want in life, we should be the master of our life, we are the one who should decide. This life belong to us, don’t let anyone take control and make you feel down, curse those jerks and bitches, eventually they will go to the slump and we will soar high.

The unfortunate Indonesia

Gosh honestly I don’t know why I have the urgency to write this, but I guess it’s just my conscience and no I’m not going to sound like an activist-wannabe. I never have any interest in politics anyway. I write because I care and we all should be.

How sad it is to have a government with no conscience at all? Who cares no one but themselves? Who just spend all of the people’s money for their advantage?

This is a sad story of Indonesia, my own country. A country which is so corrupt that its government has no more shame to spend the people’s money and live luxuriously in the parliament building. The new luxurious parliament building will be facilitated with pool, gym, spa and massage center. When I heard this I was like WTF? Is this serious or just an April mop thingy? But then I realize it’s September so yeah this is not a joke. It’s a real plan that will be executed soon.

I guess no government in the world can beat this. Oh Indonesia, we are so doom. With those greedy heartless people, our country will gradually sink into the ocean and I don’t mean it as a metaphor. Jakarta is very crowded already (the traffic here is like hell), with massive flood in rainy season, maybe it will be the first city to sink. I’m not being bitter about my country, honestly this is the reality. Being optimistic is not going to work and depending on our government is just a futile hope.

Not to mention how the poor is always being neglected in this country. In the election period, they were used as mere objects to increase the vote for certain party or politician. Afterward, no one even care about them since they have served the deed. Their life isn’t going any better, the empty promise will not be fulfilled, in the end they only have themselves to survive.

It was a heart-breaking  situation when they queued and struggled badly just to get Rp10,000 (less than 2SGD) from the rich people. It’s like a cruel parade to emphasize the vast gap between the rich and poor. Sometimes they even stomped to death by each other. This condition is a violation of human rights and where is our government?

Oh right maybe they are doing some shopping in Hongkong or Singapore now, enjoying a great life. This is not a sarcastic statement, FYI Indonesians are famous to be rich in Singapore and I often saw the rich wives  went shopping in the high-end stores around Orchard Road.

And what’s the solution for Indonesia? I honestly don’t know, I’m neither a politician nor an activist, but we should stop closing our eyes and use our heart. I write this just because I care and I know many are the same like me.

Notes: Maybe they can use the new parliament building as a recreation center or tourist attraction, it will be more useful right? We can use the money to cover the construction expenses.

Annoyed

I hate it when people are being subtle about something and they are mad because I don’t understand their intention. Honestly, why being subtle in the first place? Just tell me what you want straight away.

And hopefully someone can quit talking about this particular person. It’s not my fault that it’s not going anywhere okay? That person was weird plus annoying and I had been really nice already.

I usually get along fine with guys in friendly terms. When girls tend to over analyze everything, guys are more factual, they don’t dramatize things and a good pal to have a casual talk with. Anyway my point is, if we couldn’t have a nice conversation,why bother?

Crazy anti-fans

Recently, I’m into Korean shows because of WGM, love this show and the current 3 couples (adam, sweet potato, and khuntoria) can’t get enough of them, it’s like watching k-drama without all the tragedies, antagonist and boring cliches.

Those three couples kinda lead me into K-Pop scene, so now I can recognize some of the prominent groups in Korea like SNSD, CN Blue, 2pm,2am, BEG and F(x).  This is a good progression for me who used to know nothing about K-pop.

Anyway what I want to talk about is those crazy anti-fans.  Few days ago I read articles about crazy Korean anti-fans who can do anything to bring a certain group down. As I read further, their actions are really scary and unreasonable.

Honestly, hating/judging people that you don’t even know is retarded. I mean I understand if you dislike someone that you know, but hating someone that you don’t even know is just wtf?

Just because you watch someone on TV (or in my case through youtube) doesn’t mean you know anything about that person and hate them right away or even make a plan to kill them, it’s psychotic don’t you think? Guess someone need a life.

Btw you can dislike someone if you already know them, this is more a logical situation and I will not complain at all. And geez, girls these days are scary, no wonder my mom said it’s better to befriend with boys. Remember less drama means longer life, girls!